An unexpected detour...
Partway through season two, production went on hiatus for several months to resolve a dispute related to statements made by Seamus McFly regarding the people of Ireland and shoes. To keep rabid fans and profit-hungry producers at bay, the show’s creators created a special text episode, which offered a unique behind-the-scenes look at the making of the series. Then things got weird.
The Hiatus (Part 1)
by Seamus McFly
March 16, 2009
“Welcome to the Mountain of Monkeys!” Ireland Steele shouts into the microphone with reckless abandon. He glances at his co-star, Seamus McFly, who gives him a slight nod. Steele takes a deep breath before speaking again, “How was that?” McFly nods, more furiously this time and calmly asks, “Could you run that line one more time, exactly like that?” Steele stops, clears his throat and screams, “This, my friends, is the Mountain of Monkeys! I welcome you to it!” McFly gives a thumbs up as he stops the recording. Their producer, known to the world only as Chefgon, finally interjects. “Wait, that wasn't exactly like the first time at all,” he plainly states.
The mysterious Chefgon only ever appears to his producees via a sophisticated video monitor system but his face is always digitally blurred for his own protection, as well as his voice being digitally altered. Steele and McFly have had lengthy discussions concerning how pointless the whole sophisticated video monitor system is, given that his face is never visible. He rarely involves himself in the recording process of each episode, with the exception of an annual sit-in that the podcast stars have grown to despise. Of course, he had only been their producer for six months, so they've really only grown to despise it over the past 20 minutes.
McFly rolls his eyes at his producer and explains as clearly (and pretentiously) as he knows how, “Steele never records a line the same way twice. That's why he's such an asset, artistically.” Before giving anyone a chance to respond, Ireland Steele interrupts with an unrelated comment, “Speaking of which, what's the deal with the Mountain of Monkeys? Are we really building a whole episode around this?” Steele pauses for a moment and finally says the most terrifying collection of words in the English language, “I think we've jumped the shark.”
TO BE CONTINUED...
The Hiatus (Part 2)
by Seamus McFly
March 30, 2009
McFly immediately gets defensive, “Clearly, the subtle subtexts were well over your head. Think about it, a mountain of monkeys. A mountain: strong, sturdy, covered in snow and goats. And add to that, monkeys: fast, wily, impossible to catch. Together, these create an unstoppable force, the Mountain of Monkeys. And our characters, Ireland and Seamus, feel like they're a Mountain of Monkeys that can never be stopped. So, when the evil business owner tries to tear it down to build a monkey sweatshop, our protagonists, Ireland and Seamus, feel they have to do something about it. So, when they fail and the mountain is torn down, they learn they're not a mountain of monkeys after all. They're more of a lagoon of lobsters. And that sets up why they run for senate.”
Silence befalls the whole room. After a moment, Steele speaks, “I have never been so overjoyed to eat my own words.” McFly, without missing a beat, responds, “Delicious, aren't they?” Steele nods knowingly. Chefgon, having just witnessed the entirety of this nonsense, is once again forced to interject, “But do you really need to have monkeys in the room with you?” McFly glances back at the cage behind him with a look of pure terror in his eyes. He turns back to the monitor, quickly regaining his composure, “Poor naive Chefgon, you know better than anyone that we never use stock sound effects. If we can't record it ourselves, it doesn't appear in our show. What, do you think we've just been impersonating Sean Connery all this time?” He laughs with noticeably too much delight.
“Those monkeys aren't cheap, you know!” Chefgon fires back.
“We maintain our budget of zero dollars for our show. That's why we have you to pay for everything.” McFly states as though it were a logical thought.
“You don't think you're being a little cavalier with the budget? At this rate, we won't have any money left for the animated Christmas special,” Chefgon pleads.
McFly turns away for dramatic effect, “I didn't much care for the Christmas special idea.” With the cage of monkeys once again in his field of vision, he promptly turns back.
“I think we both know you didn't mean that,” the producer says slowly.
Seamus crosses his arms and shrugs, “Maybe I don't celebrate Christmas. It offends my religion or something.”
McFly's thoughts suddenly turn to his hat. He didn't remember putting on a hat today and is surprised at how fuzzy it is to the touch. The monkey leaps from McFly's head to the nearby desk. McFly starts hyperventilating before he manages to shout the second most terrifying collection of words in the English language, “MONKEY BREAKOUT!”
TO BE CONTINUED...
The Hiatus (Part 3)
by Red Green
May 20, 2009
Hey everyone, Red Green here from the Red Green Show. I’ve been invited here to share a few thoughts on hiatuses. Now I know it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of fake episode updates about sharks and monkeys, but that doesn’t mean you should get all upset and start sending out hate mail when an update takes a little longer than you were expecting. Take Harold, after getting impatient waiting for the new Hiatus he set up his computer to send an angry letter every ten seconds until the site was updated. While this is very amusing, it’s much easier to just complain passively to the person sitting next to you.
I think the biggest problem is that nobody is willing to just drink away their problems anymore. Who has time to check a website when they’re passed out face down in an alley or arguing about the finer points of fly fishing with a coat rack? So next time you want to harass some podcast celebrities about infrequent updates, take a moment to consider if you wouldn’t rather be killing just enough of your brain cells to leave you babbling incoherently at your friends about how much you miss MASH. You may just save yourself from wasting a lot of time that could have been better wasted elsewhere.
Remember, I’m pullin’ for ya, we’re all in this together.
The Hiatus (Part 4)
May 22, 2009
CRAZED MONKEYS CAPTURED AFTER 10 HOUR CAVORT IN PRODUCTION STUDIO
Earlier this evening, Police finished capturing the last of the escaped monkeys that have been terrorizing beloved podcast studio Steele/McFly Productions for the better part of the day. With the help of local Apeologists and Monkeymaticians, officials successfully contained the primates by linking them together by the elbows and lowering the chain into a large plastic barrel.
While they were loose, the monkeys inflicted considerable damage to the studio and may have permanently damaged the psyche of Seamus McFly, one of the podcast’s famous personalities. It seems that Mr. McFly has an intense fear of monkeys, but he brought them onto the set because of his even more intense distaste for inauthentic sound effects.
“It wasn’t so bad at first when they were just screeching and throwing knives,” recalled the still-shaken McFly, “but when they all started riding around on roller skates and making silly faces with their lips I just started to lose it. Do they really think that’s funny?”
Among the damages was a complex video feed system commonly used by the studio’s owner to broadcast his censored image so that nobody could learn his true identity. When questioned about whether he would choose to replace the questionably useful system, he replied that he was already underway with a new, even more complicated holographic system that could project his concealed appearance in three dimensions.
“Now my employees will be able to not quite see me in excruciating detail” he told our reporter over the phone.
There were several other witnesses to the madness, mostly guest stars who had just arrived to record their cameo appearances when the monkeys got lose. Their recollections of the event were varied. A Canadian lodge member professed that he had to call his wife to tell her he was getting home late, a pirate captain of questionable sobriety lamented that the monkeys drank all his rum, a sith lord swears that the monkeys possessed powers that many would consider unnatural, and a former politician seemed very concerned about how the monkeys may have affected global warming.
Keanu Reeves could not be reached for comment because he had been eaten by a T-Rex.
It’s still unclear exactly how the monkeys broke loose in the first place, but early speculation points to a flaw in the structural integrity of their paper mache cages. Action Sunshine News was able to catch up with the mysterious traveling monkey salesman who originally sold the monkeys to the podcasting duo, who had this to add,
“Monkeys!? Christopher, that’s fantastic! Where’s my martini?”
With the mysterious salesman’s input proving less than helpful, the mystery of the monkey breakout may never be resolved.
by Ireland Steele
May 27, 2009
“We’re being hunted,” I whispered, “In the trees over there, it’s alright I got her.” I crept slowly forward, preparing my banana gun for the epic Jason Isaacs flip from The Patriot.
All of a sudden, a rustling to my left, and out she stepped. Emma Watson herself, wand pointed straight at my love struck face. The gun fell from my hands, I was powerless to resist.
“What’s that Christopher? Oh really? I wasn’t aware Dillards’ sold automatic toenail clippers. 50% off you say? My my, might have to bust out some Ming Dynasty artifacts to trade. Did you try the elevator when you were there? You did? Now wait a second- what’s the one descriptive word that comes to mind thinking about those elevators. YES—ROOMY—BY GEORGE CHRISTOPHER ONCE AGAIN YOU REALLY HIT THE JEDI BANG SMACK ON THE HEAD! Anyway got to run, I’m running a new monkey selling business, tell the wife I said hello.. oh you sick sick man…”
I awoke in a cage, my mind in a confused fog. Who was this man? Where have they taken me? And, more importantly, How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I sprang to my feet, eager for answers, praying the monkey gods had left me a Tootsie Pop. Surprisingly there were two. I eagerly opened one and went to work on the tedious counting process. Minutes passed and we started to move.
13, 14, 15, 16...
I noticed out of the corner of my eye I was not alone; it seemed this fellow with the funny accent was a monkey collector of sorts. I pondered the thought of thinking about what he may do with us all, then decided even initiating the thinking of the thought was unworthy of my time and resumed my counting.
102, 103, 104, 105…
We had stopped now and our captor was chatting with a shady looking chap with long black greasy hair parted like curtains around his face. “I need monkeys for my potions,” he hissed. But I was almost there I could sense the center; I was on the verge of a massive breakthrough for monkey and man alike!
391, 392, 393…
“394,” the greasy man said to my captor. I was flabbergasted. How was this possible? How had he known? My whole life is an epic failure; I stood up and wailed aloud for the world to hear.
“My line has ended! I am fit for nothing more than to be imprisoned in a sound studio providing legitimate monkey sound effects.” And now here I am staring out at the two podcast stars working away.
McFly seems like he’s afraid of me; every few seconds he flashes a nervous glance in my direction. I am beginning to wonder if he’s all there in the head. Perhaps he’s one oven short of a decent meal. Or two movies short of a trilogy. Possibly the wheel’s still turning but the hamster’s dead. Even more likely is quite simply he’s one iceberg short of a decent chick flick. I find myself hating him. I can feel the rage building inside me. I know I’m on the verge of a monkey meltdown of terrifying consequence. But I recite some poetry and hold my nerve.. until the man in the hood spoke
“Gooooood,” he snarled, “use your hatred, strike me down!”
I turned to my fellow colleagues and screamed “BREAK THE DOORS DOWN”
Pandemonium ensued. My low swinging sidekick was hit by force lightning. I myself hit McFly with a Tootsie Pop wrapper. Three of my colleagues scampered through the door clutching a bottle of rum with a staggering pirate hot on their heels shouting about only having one shot. Keanu Reeves was eaten by a T-Rex and, possibly most importantly, I saw the face of the mysterious Chefgon!
I had to escape, find a monkey sketch artist, and tell the world what I had seen. I ran for the door, but NO it was blocked by a tall dark skinned man in a very flashy suit. He was carrying a funny looking instrument which he pressed towards my face.
“Now I need you to look right into the red light,” he said “NO WILL,” someone cried from inside, “NOT THE MEMORY FLASHER THINGY.”
I awoke in a cage, my mind in a confused fog. Who was this man? Where have they taken me? And, more importantly, How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I sprang to my feet, eager for answers, praying the monkey gods had left me a Tootsie Pop. Surprisingly there were two. I eagerly opened one and went to work on the tedious counting process.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
The Hiatus (Part 6)
May 28, 2009
Ireland and Seamus approached with pause,
was this Mountain of Monkeys a worthy cause?
If the evil businessman has his way
the monkey mountain would be plowed away.
And in its place, a sweatshop would be built,
does the businessman feel no guilt?
"Of course we must do something while the night is still young"
cried Ireland Steele at the top of his lungs
"if we allow him to complete his terrible plot,
we'll be no better than him, celebrities or not!"
McFly pondered the Irishman's words,
it seemed irrelevant that they were completely absurd.
"By George you're right, my Irish friend,
we must bring this sweatshop plan to an end!"
Seamus stopped and rose his finger to the sky,
"You will never get away with this, you evil guy!"
Ireland Steele turned to Seamus McFly
and said to his friend, a small tear in his eye,
"We're sort of like heroes, saving the monkeys like this,
we're always there to help whenever things are amiss."
Seamus McFly liked where this thought was going,
his overgrown pride was already showing.
"You know, we're sort of like this mountainous source,
the two of us together are an unstoppable force!
A Mountain of Monkeys is what we've always been,
strong and wily, covered in goats to the end."
The Irish Magician wasted no time to concur,
"Now let's go stop that evil entrepreneur!"
The podcast stars turn back to the peak,
and a shock sets in.. they can hardly speak.
While they were talking the mountain was purged,
and right under their noses a sweatshop emerged.
A moment of silence while the reality set in,
how was it possible that the businessman could win?
"Maybe we're not a Mountain of Monkeys at all,"
said Ireland Steele to break up the stall
"We jumped into this hero thing just a little too soon,
at this point in our careers we're more like a lobster lagoon."
"That sounds about right" his co-star agreed,
"but at least we tried to do a good deed.
Maybe if we were in a position of power
we'd be better equipped to save more monkeys per hour."
Quick to interrupt, Steele had to proclaim
"If we were on the Senate we'd have endless fame!
People would have to listen to whatever we say,
we'd have no trouble keeping the bad guys at bay."
The Hiatus (Part 7)
by Seamus McFly
June 18, 2009
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy contains an entry on the subject of the hiatus, which reads as follows:
The term “hiatus” was invented by a group of exceedingly lazy and self-important people who thought their jobs, which were already tremendously easy, were getting in the way of their excessive laziness. A hiatus allows these individuals to abandon their work without explanation to better spend their time sleeping in hammocks or attending more dinner parties. While the hiatus frees a person of all their obligations, the only rule that is required of those on hiatus is not to do any work at all. The penalty for breaking this rule is some very awkward dinner party conversation when fellow partygoers inevitably ask why, if you're not doing work, do you not get off your lazy arse and do what you were actually supposed to be doing in the first place.
The most noteworthy exception to this rule is the Steele/McFly Podcast, whose attempt at a hiatus resulted in an expansive project that had nothing to do with the show they were supposed to be making. All that they managed to accomplish through this painstaking and agonizing project was to deeply offend the Union of Monkey Performers (or UMP) and manage to get their studio, Steele/McFly Productions closed down indefinitely by the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC, under pressure from a number of monkey lobbyists, opted to step up their punishments by closing Steele/McFly Productions by decimating it with a small neutron bomb and detaining any hapless person who happened to have visited their website in the past six months in an undisclosed location. These unfortunate individuals returned several weeks later with no recollection of the event and a strong drive to purchase seasons of 24 on DVD.
The Guide also has this to say about Steele/McFly Productions:
Steele/McFly Productions is highly renowned as the only business venture in the universe where profits are a statistical impossibility. Its founders, Ireland Steele and Seamus McFly, openly burglarize so much copyrighted material that it is widely speculated that any attempt to make a profit on it would result in their studio, as well as everything else in a three block radius, being ripped from the earth and jettisoned into deep space. In fact, in his short autobiography (at only 32 words long), Seamus McFly explained the show's usual writing process as “go to movies, put their stuff in our show, claim it's ours.” Ireland Steele's biography, spanning several thousand pages, dedicated about 200 pages to the topic but pretty much says the exact same thing. They only got corporate funding after the show's two writers presented business mogul and all-around rich person, Chefgon, with a complex scheme about how he could make money off the project without either of them knowing. The scheme worked and is widely considered Steele and McFly's greatest idea to date, in spite of its overdependence on their own inherent stupidity.
The studio has, of course, since been shut down in a well-publicized neutron bombing, later chronicled in the made-for-TV film, “The Trial and Subsequent Neutron Bombing of Steele and McFly: The FCC Story.” It has been presumed that the last words of the three masterminds behind Steele/McFly Productions were something along the lines of, “Maybe that Hiatus thing wasn't such a good idea after all.” Their actual last words have been lost forever because, to be quite honest, nobody was really paying attention.
DISCLAIMER: Much of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has been proven grievously inaccurate, so some or all of these entries may be a complete fabrication.