A hostage situation...
The release date for World Tour episode 5 came and went, but the new episode was nowhere to been seen. Clearly, there was a zero percent possibility that this team of professionals could fail to post an episode even one minute late. Foul play is afoot and heartless producer Chefgon has less than 24 hours to find and release the episode before losing the trust of paying customers the world over.
October 2, 2009 @ 10:00am
Episode 5 of the Steele/McFly World Tour has gone missing. It was expected to appear online at 12 midnight last night, but it failed to show up and nobody has heard from it.
Initial speculation is that it has been kidnapped by dissatisfied Steele/McFly fans who are now protesting outside of Steele/McFly Productions. Current word is that they refuse to allow any more episodes to air until the Hiatus has been properly resolved. It seems that they consider it to be unfair that new episodes have begun to air without the text-only Hiatus episode ever receiving an ending. They are marching back and forth in front of the studio carrying signs that say "What about the Senate?" and "Don't forget the monkeys!"
I, your heartless producer, will do everything in my power to get this mess cleaned up as soon as possible and get Episode 5 on the air before the day is over. I don't normally negotiate with protesters, but we haven't missed a release date yet and there's still 14 hours left in this day to make it right! Keep your eyes on this space for updates as this story progresses.
October 2, 2009 @ 12:00pm
I have talked to the protesters and they have indeed kidnapped Episode 5. They assure me that it is unharmed and that it will be released immediately if their demands are met. They have provided me with this photograph as evidence that they have the episode captive but unharmed.
They have provided me with the following list of demands:
- An Ending to the Hiatus
- One Signed copy of Shaq-Fu
- Four large sheets of Transparent Aluminum
- A Helicopter, flown by Mr Sulu, to deliver said Aluminum
- The frequency for the transmitters on the whales
- Free Steele/McFly T-Shirts
I'm sure you will all agree that these demands are unreasonable. I will never, EVER give away free merchandise from the Steele/McFly store. Don't they know we're trying to run a business here?
I am left with only one option: a daring infiltration of the protester's secret headquarters to rescue the episode myself. It's funny, I could swear I had a secret secret agent on my payroll, but I can't seem to remember who it was.
Looks like this one is up to me.
Twelve Hours Remain...
October 2, 2009 @ 2:00pm
Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, our heroes yell to each other over the deafening sound of the helicopter's propellers...
Chefgon: "How much farther to the secret enemy headquarters?"
Mr Sulu: "One second at maximum warp."
Chefgon: "How long at maximum Helicopter speed?"
Mr Sulu: "Oh, maybe a day or two."
Chefgon: "That's not fast enough, we only have ten hours before our episode premiere is late!"
Chefgon (into communicator): "Scotty, I need more power to the engines! Give her all she's got!"
Mr Sulu: "Scotty isn't here, this is a Huey."
Chefgon: "Oh right. Aren't you from the distant future? How do you know how to fly a helicopter?"
Mr Sulu: "I flew something similar in my academy days."
Chefgon: "Right, then this must be old stuff to you."
Mr Sulu: "Old, yes, but interesting."
Chefgon nods his head awkwardly.
Chefgon: "Look, even without Scotty we need to get to this secret base right away."
Mr Sulu: "Well if you need to be there right away then why don't we just beam over?"
Chefgon: "Because there's deposits of some kind of crazy mineral in the rocks and we're low on power and there's some kind of jamming field or something!"
Mr Sulu stares blankly at Chefgon for several seconds.
Chefgon: "Okay fine I just wanted you to fly the Huey. Geeze! It's like you have no appreciation for Star Trek IV nostalgia at all! Fine, we'll just beam over there. That's cool too.. I guess."
Mr Sulu (into communicator): "Scotty, two to beam down."
Chefgon: "Wait, wha..?"
Chefgon's protest is cut off as our heroes dematerialize out of the helicopter's cockpit. Ten hours remain to recover the stolen episode from the evil protesters.
October 2, 2009 @ 4:00pm
Chefgon, checking in.
After rematerializing on the beach of an ominous island somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, Mr Sulu and I proceeded to hide behind a pile of conveniently placed rocks while some unusually informative guards wandered by on their patrol. It seems that even the lowliest of guards in this organization are privy to the most top secret information.
"So how about kidnapping that World Tour episode, eh? That was pretty awesome."
"No kidding, and those podcast guys will never get it back!"
"It's a good thing we decided to guard the episode in room 27A, located on the third level basement of our secret facility, which is just past that grove of palm trees, then hang a right, and then walk about a mile up the path. If you see the Denny's then you passed it."
"I know where it is, you idiot."
"Well yeah I was just sayin'. It wouldn't matter even if they did know where it was because it's being guarded by half a dozen of our most easily foiled henchmen."
"Duh, everybody knows that. I'm hungry, let's go guard something over by the Denny's."
After the guards wandered away, we worked our way up the path towards the secret enemy facility. We encountered a few more patrols along the way, but they were easily dispatched with Mr Sulu's skills at indistinct asian continent martial arts and fencing skills. I appreciate that he's good with a sword and everything, but I really wish he would put his shirt back on.
When we arrived at the facility, I went in alone as Sulu distracted the guards by asking if they knew how to get to an orchestra. I hope he makes it out okay, because I have no idea how to beam back off of this island by myself.
I am currently working my way through some surprisingly spacious and sturdy ductwork that has no problem supporting my size and weight. Conveniently located vents allow me to view every room I pass and listen in on conversations while those in the rooms below are somehow unable to hear the sound of a person crawling through the ducts. I am systematically working my way down to the third level basement. 8 hours to go...
October 2, 2009 @ 6:00pm
As I approach room 27A I can feel my muscles getting tense. In my mind I know that a 1:6 Hero to Henchman ratio is a cakewalk, but in my heart I can feel the fear building up. Will I be able to squeeze off six rounds from the deadly accurate ray gun that I am suddenly carrying before my bumbling enemies can let loose the 100 shots required to land a single blow on me? The odds in my favor are good. Almost too good. But not absolute. What I need is a foolhardy employee to do the dirty work for me. If only Mr Sulu were here.
I can hear my heart beating as I inch ever closer to my destination. I round a corner. I can see them now, six henchmen guarding room 27A. Three of them are sleeping, one appears to be both deaf and blind, and the remaining two are engrossed in a game of high stakes poker. They can't see me. Though they are clearly within my sights, I am still outside of the average henchman's ten foot range of vision. I approach slowly, fine tuning my plan of attack. I find a small, seemingly pointless partial wall sticking out from the side of the corridor to use for cover. I turn and rest my back against it. There's no going back now.
I hold my breath, raise my weapon, and turn to face my enemies.
I suddenly find myself distracted by the sound of a door opening. I pause, and turn back behind my cover. Peering beyond the wall I see a shadowy figure standing in the now open entrance to room 27A.
"The hourglass is running out.. on the World Tour release window."
Where have I heard that raspy French voice before? Before I have a chance to think about it, I hear another voice pierce through the air.
"Hold it right there, Dr Stratenov!"
Another figure appears at the far end of the corridor. I can't make out who it is. Is it possible that I'm not the only one trying to recover the episode?
"I should have known it was you behind this marginally evil scheme. You've always been jealous of our fame."
S-Seamus McFly? What is he doing here? Is it possible that in addition to being worked like a dog for no money at Steele/McFly Productions he has also been working as a secret secret agent in secret? Remind me to raise his insurance premiums when this is over.
"I expected more from you, Doc. It was almost too easy to gain access to your secret base. Felix overrode your pathetic security in seconds and my trusty explosion proof vest took care of the rest."
Before I know it Seamus and Dr Stratenov are engaged in an epic battle between good and evil. Having made a career of carefully straddling those two extremes, I decide not to get involved. The commotion does, however, create an opening for me to sneak past the distracted guards and enter room 27A.
I've made it. My body feels more relaxed despite the copious amounts of violence ringing loudly in the corridor behind me. The episode is unguarded. I retrieve it and stuff it into my pocket. Mission accomplished. Now all that's left is getting out of here alive and returning to Steele/McFly Productions to air it before midnight. I have six hours to make it happen. I hold my breath, raise my weapon, and turn to face my enemies.
October 2, 2009 @ 8:00pm
The henchmen drop like flies. The distraction of the battle between Seamus and Doctor Stratenov raging in the background made them even more helpless than usual.
I exit the room and head down the corridor away from the action. No need to get involved in the danger, and besides, Seamus has no idea what I look like. I don't need him to mistake me for a henchman.
I don't remember how to get out of here. Why do evil madmen build such complicated buildings? You'd think that being insane would make them too impatient for such complex architectural designs, but sure enough they always turn out to be into some kind of crazy new age designs that think just a little too far outside the box. Personally, if I was going to take over the world I'd do it from an office building. Nice and organized, predictable, you'd never get lost, and there's always easily accessible bathrooms. I haven't seen a single bathroom since I came in here. Isn't that weird? Surely henchmen have to go to the bathroom every once in a while.
While I was stopped to examine a particularly interesting piece of abstract art, I started to feel a tingling sensation. I looked down at my hand and it was disappearing like Marty McFly when he accidentally dates his mom. A few seconds later I rematerialized back on the helicopter next to Sulu. Thank you, Scotty.
Relieved, I pull the episode out of my pocket to inspect it more carefully. Spicy Nacho? Cooler Ranch? It's a Doritos commercial looped over and over? It's a fake! All that trouble and I've come back empty handed!
Only four hours to go until premiere day is over, and I have no episode and no leads. There's only one man who can help me now.
"Mr Sulu, take us to Jurrasic Ranch."
October 2, 2009 @ 10:00pm
Moments after landing I find myself in Sean Connery's living room. This beaming thing can be a little disorienting. I appear to have interrupted some kind of musical recording session. I explain my situation to the board of directors.
"By George, I haven't heard of a screwup this bad since Jay Cannes signed up for advanced chemistry! I used to teach that class you know, it was called Sean Connery's Adventures with Chemistry I believe. I'll never forget the time that Junior and I..."
He talks a lot. I briefly consider pointing a microphone at him and recording for 20 minutes and calling it a show. That sounds like the kind of crazy thing we might do, nobody would ever know the difference. He's yelling something about elevators now. It looks like the DJ is going to interrupt.
"Didn't we just send these guys to New Zealand to film a movie? We've been spending thousands of dollars a day on a film crew waiting for them to show up while they bounce around Europe. Why are they recording episodes?"
Sensing a possible conflict, I interject with an explanation.
"Oh, yeah, it's like a reality show. It's about their adventures while getting to the movie set. You can put it in the DVD special features.. or something."
I can see this is going nowhere. Defeated, I excuse myself from the eccentric old guy actors and walk back to the helicopter to head home. Two hours left in the day, I should arrive back at the studio just in time to break the bad news.
October 2, 2009 @ 11:59pm
As you are likely aware by now, Episode 5 of the Steele/McFly World Tour has been kidnapped by protesting Hiatus fans. Since I can't make money without a show to air, and I'm too cheap to give away T-shirts, I set out on a daring adventure to rescue it. Unfortunately, I came back empty handed. My helicopter is setting down on the roof of Steele/McFly Productions right now. I'm not looking forward to breaking the bad news to my crew.
"Hey, man, that was fantastic!"
Some damn hippie protester is yelling at me. I don't need this right now.
"Way to send the Hiatus out with style! I liked the part with Sulu, that totally didn't make any sense but it sure was funny! Here's your episode back."
Wait, what? Is this.. this is the missing episode! What's going on here? Oh well, sometimes you don't have to understand something to know that you should take credit for it to make yourself rich.
So, Steele/McFly fans, your new episode has been rescued and released on time. By me. Chefgon. Your heartless producer. No, no, don't thank me. If you really must show your gratitude, then show it in the form of cash donations made payable to me. After all, I did rescue your favorite show from protesters or super villains or something. Would The Guild have done that for you? I don't think so.
So, without further ado, allow me to present the fifth episode of the Steele/McFly World Tour, sure to become an all time internet classic, Ireland!